FemFriday: Shading Correctly

This was written by my wife towards a former friend of hers. I am proud to post this, as it is an excellent example of the fact that strength is exclusively an individual pursuit, not a gendered one.

Use this as a template when righteous anger swells within you, and bridges must be cut:

” I took some time to reflect on last night’s “conversation” & it lead me to some conclusions.

If you scroll through our conversations, you’ll find that not once do you inquire about what/how I’m doing. Nothing about me. Hell, you’re not even using the energy to talk about yourself or anything you have accomplished. You’ve only managed to highlight the negativity [that you put a lot of unnecessary focus on] going on in your life, that you don’t seem to make much effort changing.

You appear out of nowhere with paragraphs describing how sorry your life is. The narrative that you have created for yourself, is that of a victim.


The subject matter that you speak on with the most clarity, is about [insert name here] and all the ways in which he does not respect you.

My role in your life now, as I stated over the phone when we made amends last month, will not be the same as it is was before.
I don’t think you took that seriously.

When you and I were friends, we had a shared level of immaturity that bonded us. We found comfort in complaining and making fun of others and feeling like we were better than the people were talking about. When in all actuality, we weren’t. At all.

The time I’ve spent away from that, I got to see clearly how much I wasn’t doing.
Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I started taking care of the things I could change, starting with how I felt about myself, my actions and how they affect others, and my blessings.

By the grace of God, I have a husband that has been keeping me accountable for when I wasn’t on my shit. The time and love he’s put into me and my well being, I’m able to hold myself to a higher standard without having to look to him to validate it.

I’m a musician. I drum regularly, I’ve picked up piano a few months ago. I’m working on arranging/producing my second project with my band. I’m writing new music. I’ve actually taught my first client two days ago, in person. A woman friend of [insert name here] reached out to him yesterday sending an employment opportunity MY way. Not his, for me.

I cook regularly for [insert name here] and myself, & vice versa. Whatever I do for him, he does for me tenfold. We put each other on to things on a daily basis. We talk regularly, fuck regularly, give each other massages, and speak positive affirmations to each other, defend each other in public and correct each other in private (when need be), constantly collaborating together because we really love, like and respect each other. We value each other and then we raise said value.
I honor all of that.

Now, I don’t know if you and [insert name here] have ever that type of bond once before, but it’s clearly not there now and that’s something that you should be discussing with him, not me.

You’re bragging about [this person’s] clout (which to be honest, you don’t even know for sure if he’s hyping it up or not, since you’re never around when any of these things happen) and you’ve spent all of this time not garnering any of your own. The things that you mention don’t even bring YOU happiness.

And if it did, you wouldn’t have such a defensive tone when you speak of him and whatever it is he’s doing.

Looking at [his/her] IG right now, it looks a single [father’s / mother’s] account.
[He/she] is not the first person in the world to be in the “industry” with someone who’s not known/famous. If/when people are actually in love, there is no hiding of the spouse. It doesn’t matter what you do. Especially if there is a child(ren) involved. If that was the case, he wouldn’t have [his/her child] on the internet.

I strongly suggest that you get a journal to express these feelings/thoughts that you have because using my phone as a means to shit-vent and not actually heed any of the advice myself and [my husband] have imparted on you, or acknowledge my efforts of accentuating the positive traits (I thought) you had, is a waste of my time, energy & storage space.
And trying to convince me that your man doesnt see you as a liability, is a waste of yours.

You were a die-hard yoga supporter for all of three days. You said you needed a week off, didn’t follow up for the next time you wanted to do yoga which, again I’m working around your schedule because I consider the fact that you are a mother. That week off that you needed, I was actually hype because it gave me time to type up lesson plans for you for our next Zoom call.

Notice that I consider what goes on in your life and you can’t seem to do the same for mine. For example, you thinking it’s ok to not communicate whether or not you need to break arrangements, fucking up my plans for that day, not even knowing or caring if I had important things to do that I could’ve been doing instead.

You say recommended a student to me which was laughable because you couldn’t even commit to a full week so why would I want to teach someone that more or less had the same discipline as you in that regard? You wanted to pay me for the classes. I told you to pay me in results…. and the results came up short.

Your man has it in his mind that you’re his baby-sitter/assistant, I can’t relate. You say your man makes you see yourself as a loser, I definitely can’t relate to that either.

I’m the savior, and you’re the one who constantly needs to be saved and when you do get saved, time and time again you prove why you don’t deserve the help. That was made very clear to me the day that [your s/o] was feeding his co-workers pots of food and could give three fucks whether or not you or [your child] ate for that day while you go do his laundry.

I say all that to say, it’s not in my best interest to keep you in my life if I’m willing to act more on your potential than you are. You’re suppose to be like a sister to me yet you don’t have any wisdom for me to trade with. You’ve been a mother for four years and yet it feels like I have much more to teach you than you could ever teach me, and that is concerning.

I’m saying all of this with love and I understand if your feelings are hurt but I would appreciate it if you took some time for yourself and got your life right.”

From a proud husband,

Avery

2 thoughts on “FemFriday: Shading Correctly

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